Whoah, have I been busy!
Since arriving in Kandahar, I have been called upon to do some very important janitorial work.
First, I was enlisted to tidy up the military receiving area—it was a pigsty. The floor was scratched from all the dusty bags and rifles and boots. That took 2 full days to tidy up with my crew of 6 former Taliban. They are really good workers. Of course, they're under house arrest and are serving their time under my command.
Once I got that area under control, the non-commissioned officers' mess was.......a mess. I don't know how they can put up with insubordinate cleaning. I guess in times of war, you put up with less than ideal conditions. Not me though. I had that kitchen and eating area sparkling in less than a week. Big area—serves about 300 at a time.
Next, my work was noticed by some higher-ups in the Afghan Janitorial Union. They asked me to give a talk at their monthly meeting and trade fair. Of course, I obliged. Here is part of the address I gave, translation was provided.
Dear fellow Janitors and Janitoresses,
I would like to thank you for inviting me to give a talk today in this country that could use a whole lot of tidying. There can be no doubt that janitorial service will be the backbone of this fine nation once all the fighting stops. Dirt knows no borders.
Let me repeat, dirt knows no borders and Afghanistan has many porous dusty borders. Now, I have been advised by military command to avoid the political, but I can't resist. Why? Because freedom of speech and mopping are fundamental elements for liberty and cleanliness.
On the subject of freedom of speech, I just want to say that Afghani mops are some of the finest mops I have ever used. None of this cheesy synthetic plasticized crap that we Americans are forced to use because of the petroleum lobby that rules Washington. No sir. Afghani mops are real natural rope fibers that hold water better than anything found in the U.S. of A.
You should be proud of the Afghani mops. And you should likely swing those mops forcefully to remove the neo-colonial military force than has soiled your proud country.
But I digress. Let me return to the subject for which I have been invited to speak upon: The proper removal of army boot scuff marks.
You've all seen them, long black streaks that are left on your marble mosque floors. Yes, there is a need by the military-industrial complex to replace those heels and soles with soft white rubbers. But until that day comes, it is our responsibility to do our best to remove the scuffs with care and attention.
One of the best solutions I have found is a number 16 Eberhardt rubber eraser, made in Germany. Starting at the centre of the scuff where it is usually widest, I carefully trace the scuff; rubbing gently, but firmly. Then, I spread a thin line of horse wax along the removed scuff to ensure that the floor is protected where the eraser has worked.
You will never know that an American soldier's foot has tread upon your sacred floor.
[At this point, I was given a 30-minute standing ovation. I was overwhelmed by their appreciation. Not wanting to ruin my success, I stopped there. Two or three hundred janitors then rushed to the podium to shake my hand.
I feel like I am contributing to the recleaning of this nation.]
